Sitting here staring at my lunch:

• antibiotic pill (must be had with food)
• banana
• low sodium v8
• 1 box of Amy's Tofu Vegetable Lasagna (not vegan, but lactose free)
• bottle of water

So don't want to eat it because I threw up my breakfast this morning.

So have to eat it, because I took the pill already, and must keep milk supply up for baby.

[...]

Paul told me the other day after taking a shower that I look smaller.

I told him I knew, and I was worrying about it. He said he meant not just now that I'm sick, but in general, over the last few months.

(He knows I'm worrying right now about my dropping weight so fast while sick messing with my milk and then the baby loosing some weight while sick beause she doesn't have extra to spare really. Pukathon for both of us.)

I told him I really didn't know how to take that. And I don't. It's a mix of feelings.

I like that he noticed, but I know his feelings for me don't change even if my looks do. He's seen with with waist length hair, and a shaved head. He's seen me quite thin, and quite obese. He's seen me pregnant and not pregnant. He's seen pale, and he's seen me quite tan. With and without make-up. Shaved and hairy legged. Sick, and well. Happy and sad and sangry. Everything. I just like that more -- the fact that no matter what, he loves and accepts me however it is I am in the moment.

We shower together almost every night and have for 10+ years. So I'm used to him looking at me naked. But I'm NOT used to him letting me know he's also been checking me out behind my back too... when I don't realize it. It makes me flush, feel all giggly girly. I'm not sure how to react to this -- I never do. It's cool that after 10 years he can still catch me off guard and make me turn colors but at the same time... well, you know. He was looking.