final thoughts

I have been wanting to post some final thoughts on this blog before switching over to the new site (linked below) but Iz has been so sick and now I have the crud. RSV is a fairly serious virus for the young and elderly, Iz has required breathing treatments (similar to ones for asthma) every few hours. In normal adults, it manifests itself as a bad cold. Not good since I was supposed to start my new job today and can't take Iz to daycare any this week for fear of infecting others. So no work, just staying home to care for her. She is feeling better, while I feel lousy. Nothing seems to be working out.

I cancelled our plane tickets last night, the final realization that we are not going to Florida, we won't see Mike's parents for xmas and I definitely won't be participating in Disney. Even though I have excellent reasons for backing out, I still feel a huge sense of failure, like it is my fault. I keep thinking if only one thing had gone differently, we would have been able to make it. But we can't risk flying with Iz in this condition or exposing Mike's parents to the virus, not to mention that I am in no condition to participate.

This year has been an incredible one for me. I started the year weighing 246 lbs, and ended it weighing 196. I started the year a size 22 pants, 24/26 top, and now I am size 16 or misses XL. I started the year barely being able to walk a mile in 2o minutes and ended up being able to run a mile in sub 15 minutes (but not by much!) It has been a great transformation, but even with all the physical results, I feel the biggest changes have happened mentally. I think about food differently, I think about exercise differently. Even during the holidays, I was able to keep some control. I was actually thankful for the sickness that descended on my house so that the focus of the holiday was caring for one another instead of huge meals. We ate a lot of sandwiches and leftovers, for that I am grateful.

Many of the changes that occurred this year are a direct result of this blog. I am so thankful that I had a place to record my thoughts, feelings, calories, and exercise. I am thankful to the people who emailed me or left comments. And I am most thankful to the other contributors who shared in this journey. You guys rock!

From now on I will be posting in the veg moms blog. I think my motto for 2006 is "face it, deal with it, move on." As I lost weight, I realized there are several things I am avoiding in my life, like I avoided mirrors when I was heavier. One of them is an impending surgery that I have put off for 10 years! I hid things behind the fat that have come to light and I feel like if I don't deal with these submerged issues, I will just gain the weight right back. Also, I hope to get pregnant in 2006 (I think! Who knows?) It will be a year of big decisions. I will still be on the journey to get healthier before and during pregnancy.

Thanks for reading guys.

Moved!

We've moved for 2006! Pelase join us at

http://vegmoms.blogspot.com/

DNF

I am not going to Disney. Iz is sick again, this time with RSV. I will write again with final thoughts on the year when I get a chance.

Mylanta quest

My parents are coming over with my sister and bring lunch. Slightly better change in plans than us all going out to eat for lunch because I still feel gross. I have to pop into the grocery store and gets some odds and ends before I go to work and while there I need to get some Mylanta.

I was reading backwards in my journals and every holiday I've been something of a grump except for the holiday where the two family celebrations were NOT back to back.

Gee... what does that tell you? We're too overscheduled at Christmas.

Not what I want Julia to be experiencing as she grows up --a cranky ass mom every holiday. :P

Paul came home and brought Julia another present. I told him he's going beserk with it this year and he admits he is. We let her have two presents early so he gave her the pots and pans she just brought in and I gave her some wooden vegetables and right away she started "cooking" us things.

second

I am with you Cat. It always bewilders me how this time of year becomes so sour. Maybe it is because the expectations are high. This year, we have the dog to deal with and we are both stressed about our new jobs. And I always get a little depressed because my friend committed suicide this time 6 years ago. But it always surprises me that I am not happy. I have been crying on and off today, a combination of the surgery for the dog and pms and a fight Mike and I have been dancing around for several days (but not having). My mom and sis should arrive tomorrow, I hope that perks me up.

I am jealous about your massage! I am going to get one as a post-disney treat.

It's dread

Saturday was Paul's office party. No problem. That was fun, easy to deal with other than eating (brought Julia food, but did not pack my own. Duh.)

Sunday was no problem. Did nursery sunday school and it was easy. Got a bite to eat and then went to drumming. Fun.

Monday. My sister flew in. Went to my massage appointment (good) and then went to see my sister at my parents' house and it started that evening. The sick to my stomach feeling. At first I thought it was something I ate. But it's been on and off since then and I recognize it for what it is -- dread. Sheer holiday dread.

dog

I dropped the dog off at the vet this morning for surgery. Poor baby. Tonight we will be setting up her crate which will be her new home for 6 weeks. No exercise to report, just sad. Christmas is getting so close! I am going to make brownies for the neighbors. We are planning a special xmas dinner (not just the same old thing). I am still working on the menu, but we will be doing courses. Should be fun.

devastated

I am so upset this morning. My poor dog is going to have to have surgery on her other knee. It is killing me. Not only is it the expense (which is HUGE) but it is all the pain she is in now without the surgery and all the pain she will be in after the surgery. I was hoping we could make it till after xmas so she wouldn't have to be confined during the holidays (she will have to be confined to a crate for 6 weeks after surgery). But her poor little knee has started making a popping noise every time she takes a step. She must be in a lot of pain because she hasn't been movign around much this weekend. Usually she follows me from room to room, but this weekend she would just sit in the same place. We went for a walk on Sunday and she wanted to go so bad, she sat and watched us from the window. It broke my heart.

I can't believe my little puppy is getting older. She drives me crazy sometimes, but the thought that she might not be here forever kills me.

3 miles

Mike and I went outside and did 3 miles today! The weather was lovely. Then I plodded around the mall with a friend and bought new undies, always a lovely thing to do. Top it off with a trip to market and I have completely described my day.

I am achy and haven't been exercising much. I realized I bought my new shoes a .5 size too small and need to get new ones. The too-small ones have left my feet achy and my knee and hip are joining the chorus.

Nothing else to report, just a lovely day.